Of Alchemists and Sue Slayers
by XxScarletteDravenxX
Summary: Anna is a Sue-Slayer sent into the world of FMA to save our heros from the ever-growing population of Mary Sues. Contains female!Envy, crossovers from hell, a pissed-off gate, convenient plotholes, Ebony Dark'ness Dimetra Raven Way, yaoi, and more.
1. Of Rude Awakenings

Poke.

"Mmm…"

Poke.

"Mmmmh."

Poke.

"Nya…. Hmmmnm."

Poke.

"Nahhh… five more…"

Poke.

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD~!"

"Finally! Do you know how hard it is to wake you up? I should have just started jumping on you to speed up the process. Now, get off your lazy ass and get dressed! Don't you remember? You have an new mission, and-" Here I cut the screeching maniac off.

"Shut up, Caitlin! It's bad enough you get me up at this ungodly hour! It's-" I checked the digital clock on my bedside table- "6 am? Wait, there's a 6 AM?" I asked in disbelief. Caitlin, my friend, roomie and co-worker, rolled her eyes. "Yeah, there is, you lazy pig." She answered, with all the kindness and love in her heart. "Now get up, Anna! You need to get there early." Oh, wait. Let's pause here, you're probably confused.

You see, the reason why I'm being forced- ah, coaxed- out of my lovely, warm bed at six in the morning is because of my job. I'm what you'd call a Mary Sue Slayer. Mary Sues, commonly known as Sues, are terrible creatures that roam the lands of Fanfiction.

They force the canon characters from any and all books and movies into OOC situations, disgust readers with visions of perfect, long, curly, shining ebony hair, big, round, sparkling eyes blue as the endless sky at twilight, and pale, porcelain skin soft as silk and flawless as a diamond, and reduce any character within 5 miles to puddles of warm goo.

The Mary-Sue Slayers organization was started by a fanfiction authoress known only as XxScarletteDravenxX nearly 10 years ago. She was pissed about these terrible creatures ruining most fics with OC's in them. So she gathered a few fellow haters, and the number of the group grew and grew.

She used her authoress powers to write her comrades into those stories, and they protected the main characters from the Sues. My name is Anna-Lee Mariway, and I joined 3 years ago. I've have moved up to the rank of a brigadier general since then.

I love bragging about the fact that I have never been defeated yet. Most of my sucsess was due to pure luck, but really, who needs to know that?

Anyway, my newest mission was in a fandom called 'Fullmetal Alchemist'. It was apparently a very popular anime, and the amount of Sues there have been steadily increasing. I love my job, I really do, and I was exited to be going on another mission. But really, 6 am?

"ANNA-"

"I'M GOING, YOU MANIAC!"

It was almost an hour later when I arrived at HQ with a steaming cup of coffee in my hand. Caffeine can solve anything, that was my motto. Everything passed smoothly. I was equipped with my weapons and extensive knowledge of Edward and Alphonse Elric, and was ready to go 10 minutes later.

I'll never get used to this feeling, I thought as I was wrote in. The familiar sweeping sensation, the feeling of falling, the spike of my adrenaline, and the brief spark of electricity came in an instant, and with a gust of wind, I faded away from the world.

The next thing I saw was pure, blinding white. There was nothing there, except a gate. It had a gothic design, and was at least 5 times taller than I. My heart skipped a beat at the feeling it gave off. An echoing voice suddenly interrupted the silence. "Why, what are you doing here?" It sang. "You're not an al-che-mist. How did you get here, then, hmm?" I blinked. The gate slowly started opening with a rumble.

I took a step to it, and the voice came agian. I realized it as that of the Truth. "What? You have to pay the fine to pass! How-" I couldn't help but smile. "It's a plothole. A convenient one, at that." With those words, I passed through into the other world, and into my next adventure.

-sυє slαуєя-

Yes, it's passing too fast, but it's the first chapter. Ah well, tell me whatcha think in a review! Pretty please!

(Or Mustang will burn you to a crisp. -_-)


	2. Of Rain, Shurikens, and Plotholes

Le gaspeth! What be this? _An update_? How the hell did this happen? Oh, yeah, that's right! You made me, with your reviews! They're addicting to a review whore like me. Not that I'm complaining. Now, I'd like to give thanks to the King, and the Tall and Short Ones. Oh, and I'd also like to complement a certain Pixie and a certain Pie-Lover on their fic. You know who you guys are.

Disclaimer: (Cuz apparently I'm supposed to do this.)

Me: Santa, can I get the rights to FMA for Christmas?

Santa: No.

Me: Damn.

-sυє slαуєя-

As the world came into focus, I started checking franticly to see if I had all my limbs. After a sigh of relief, I straightened up and took a look at where I would be staying for the next few months or so. In front of me, in all it's glory, stood the Western Command. I nodded in approval, checking my watch- it was 1:29, on the dot. Perfect.

-OoOoO-

"Dammit Al, you can't just pick up every stray cat you see!"

"But Brother, the way she looked at me- she had such big, eyes, and its wet-"

"No, for the last time! We can't take care of a cat, Al!"

The inside of something inside Al meowed. Edward stopped and spun around, glaring at his brother with narrow golden eyes. The suit of armor protectively put it's hands in front of his chest plate. "Brother-" Ed crossed his arms. "For the last time Alphonse, _no_."

-OoOoO-

I impatiently waited in front of the gate, checking my watch- 1:32. _Damn him, Mustang's late_. Didn't he understand how important this was? Sure, he was only 2 minutes late, but time was essential.

If I didn't meet one of the canon characters within 5 minutes of being written in, I'd have to be sent back. And I did _not_ want to go back through the gate. No matter how powerful plotholes where, that place still gave her the creeps. I tapped my foot impatiently, checking my watch again. 1:33. _Dammit!_

-OoOoO-

"I can't believe how cold you're being, brother!" Edward sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"I'm sorry, Al-"

"Than why won't you let her stay?"

"Because-"

"She could stay in our dorm when we're on missions, and we could hire someone to-"

"No."

-OoOoO-

A scowl was firmly planted on my lips. He was 4 minutes and 27seconds late. And was raining-no, it was pouring. _I swear-_

My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a high-pitched scream. An oddly familiar scream… I glanced around the abandoned street, my hand instinctively traveling to the pistol on my hip, which was hidden by my brown trench coat. _I know that voice_… but where was it coming from?

Again came the scream, and it was from my right.

My eyes narrowed. Nobody was going to get to _my _charges before I even met them. Within seconds, I was sliding around the corner of the street, pistol in hand. The sight in front me made my heart freeze.

The younger of the Elric brothers was backed up against a wall. He was shaking in fear, the sound of his rattling armor echoing in the deserted street. In front of him stood the authoress's only natural enemy, aside from flamers: the Ultimate Abomination, the Thing That Should Not Be, the Mary Sue. I almost retched.

Her hair was in a long french braid that went down to the middle of her back. The silky golden locks shone, even though it was cloudy. Her eyes where a bright golden color, sparkling with innocence and curiosity and limpidness and determinedness also the pain and misery of her terrible past.

Her skin was soft and slightly sun-kissed, and her bangs were shaggy in a cute, adventurous, mysterious way. She looked about 4'10. She had an antenna, much like a certain someone we all know…

_Oh god_, I thought, _not one of _those. Suddenly, it spoke. "Al… Alphonse, is that you? Oh my god…" Her liquid gold eyes filled with tears. "I… I never thought I'd see you again… Oh Al, where's Ed?" She asked, her voice soft yet urgent. _Yeah… where is he?_ I knew that Ed would never willingly let anything as terrible as this get to his brother… so…

Either way, I thought, Al needed to be rescued. I stepped out from behind the corner, into plain sight. Alphonse saw me, but the Sue continued to stare at him, rambling in that soft voice of hers, lost in her own little world of make believe. I gave Al a quick half smile before clearing my throat.

The Sue paused in her rambling and turned her head. Ever on her guard, she stiffened and put her hands- one automail, what a surprise - near each other. I snorted. "Don't even try it, Elric Wannabe." Her molten gold eyes widened in anger. "Who do you-"

"Hold on a second, girl. What's your name?" She narrowed her eyes suspiciously, but responded. "Yuki Elric." Oh yes, of course. Yuki. "And tell me, Yuki, how did you know he's Al?"

"I just know! He's my brother! I can tell!" _Elric sibling telepathy?_

I sighed. "Yuki, Hohenheim is not a man whore. He had Envy, Ed and Al. No oth-" With a loud, yet soft heart wrenching grasp, her hands moved up to cover her soft mouth. I rolled my eyes. "You mean… Envy-"

"YUKI, you don't even know who Envy is." She narrowed her eyes, forcing the pain from her eyes and into deep her heart where it couldn't hurt her. (barf.) "Who are you to tell me that? I'm an Elric!" She glared, anger in her beautiful eyes. I grinned, a decidedly evil look in my own green eyes. "I'm Brigadier General Mariway of the Sue Slayers."

The girl paled slightly, and Al drew back at the look of insane glee on my face. "S- Sue-?" I nodded. She paled a bit more, but snarled and clapped her ands together nonetheless. I whipped out one of my shurikens. Yuki made the first move, and I dodged the mini stone fists that came my way.

I sprinted forward, and threw the shuriken with deadly accuracy. It hit her shoulder, and she gasped, stumbling back in shock. I continued forward, tackling her to the ground. _Oh, this is way to easy, _I thought_. This must not be a very powerful Sue!_ Out from my coat I pulled a tiny black dot.

The second I touched it, it started growing in size, stopping only when it was about the size of a manhole cover. I pulled my weapon out of Yuki's shoulder.

"What the hell is that? Oh, Alphonse! Help me, brother!" She cried out dramatically. But it was no use. Al was still sitting against the building, staring forward in utter shock.

"This is what you might call a plot hole. It will send you back to the other side of the gate." I explained, throwing it down on the ground.

The girl was light, so it was easy to pick her up. She struggled, but I threw her into the plot hole, and with a long drawn out scream, she was gone. I sighed in relief. That was an easy Sue, much easier than most. Still, it was fun to be back out on the field. I picked up the plot hole, and it shrunk back down to it's original size.

I brushed my hands off and turned back to Al, smiling slightly. "Ah, sorry you had to go through that…" I trailed off awkwardly. "My name is Brigadier General Mariway, but you can call me Anna. I'm supposed to be protecting you from people like that girl." Al shook his head suddenly, and stood up.

"Uh, hello. My name is Alphonse Elric. It's nice to meet you." He said politely, and I shook his hand. "If you don't mind me asking, Brigadier General Mariway, who was-"

He was cut off by another familiar voice. "Al? Hey, Al! Where are you?" Edward came skidding around the corner, in all his 4'11 glory. "Al! You shouldn't run off like that!" He said, walking up to his brother.

-Later, in the Colonel's Office-

I glared at Mustang. "You were _late."_

"I was only 5 minutes late, and when I got to the gate you weren't there."

"That's because Alphonse was being attacked by a Sue! We told you not to let them out of your sight until I got here."

"You try keeping an eye on them!"

"Mustang, do I have to remind you I'm your _superior_?"

"Not in this military."

"Maybe not, but I'm also protecting you from these Mary Sues! Do you want me to let them get to you?"

"I didn't ask for any help from the Sue Slayers!"

"Maybe not, but your Lieutenant did! She knew you were to egotistical to ask for help, but you needed it!"

"I did no-"

"Yes you did!"

The Elric brothers watched the verbal tennis match between the Colonel and I with interest. They really needed to get a life.


End file.
